I am writing this having recently turned 24 years old. I have to say, I never did anticipate my life looking like this at age 24. It's beautiful and messy all at the same time and it truly is a blessing that God is in control and not me, because I would've done things so differently and probably not in my best interest at all! Here I am, having finished my Master's degree at TCU, staying in Fort Worth, Texas! Who would've thought? (Definitely not me!)
I am still single. Yes, 24 is still young and I am realizing that more and more, but as a girl I always imagined being married by now. At this point, I honestly can't imagine it, although there's no doubt that I crave a relationship more times than not. I am a woman who desires a Godly husband (someday), one with whom I can grow and laugh. I desire a partner in ministry who I can encourage and be encouraged by, bounce ideas off of, and learn from. I never want to compromise on that--a man who will step up and take a chance in pursuing me.
But God has His own plan, which is far greater than mine. Of that I am sure. I have been broken-hearted in these 24 years. One instance was by a good Christian man who was completely honest with me in saying "something was missing." I never worked up the courage or the want-to to ask about the "something." But I trust that God was just protecting my heart in the long run.
All that to say, I am still plagued with the girlish insecurities of many girls and women. It takes a real effort to squash the thought of "I'm not pretty enough for him" and, I admit, sometimes I fail. My dad told me that I am too intimidating and, in fact, once questioned my interest in men. Even from a father who is no father at all, that hurt. And obviously it stays with me. It's remembering that real beauty comes from the inner self that serves to comfort me. And also knowing that the man I seek will also believe that.
My heart has also changed dramatically in the past couple of years in ways I never would've imagined. My desire to be involved in ministry overseas has only grown, but prior to moving to TX I could only see myself in Spanish-speaking countries and, in fact, it's all I really wanted. Nothing else called to me or tugged on my heart strings. Until Durga. And Yedhu. And Akash and Ashmita. Until I became involved in the world only a few minutes from home. The world that IS my home now.
You see, a year ago we started a refugee ministry with the college group that has served to minister more to my heart than any other. We came to love on children and families from Nepal, Burma, Sudan, and Iraq who participate in religions that I frankly never cared to learn about. Now I am considering the Journeymen program possibly in Nepal or India.
God has his own plan, he owns my heart and is free to come in and change and tweak it as He chooses.
I am also soon to start work in the "real world" as a Speech-Language Pathologist. I wasn't sure this time would actually come! 6 years of college are done and over--no going back. I am no longer a college student, but a professional with a salary. My heart is fighting it and, in this moment, I kind of hate it. Not the job or the children I will be serving, but the circumstances. I don't know, I haven't quite sorted out all of my emotions. Transitioning out of school, becoming a new professional, not knowing enough, not having enough time, being insecure in my skills...it all plays a part. At this point I'm not sure if speech therapy will play a permanent role in my life or not.
God has his own plan and He is free to change my path at any moment. He knows my passions and desires better than I know them myself and He will plan accordingly.
