It has been almost a month since my dad died. Two days ago I found out my cousin was being
hospitalized and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. I was and am suddenly overwhelmed with fear. Fear
that something else will happen to a family member or a friend. Fear of being
so far away, so out of control. Over the
past couple of days I have been contemplating my level of surrender to the
Lord. Have I not fully surrendered the possibility of more tragedy? Today, as I was thinking about it
all, the song “I Surrender All” came to my head. Wanting to be reminded and encouraged,
I began to listen:
All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give.
Really? The lyrics echo in my heart as empty words, false
words. Can God ask me to give him my mom? My sister? My brother? My niece? How
can I be okay with that?
Then, I remembered a different song:
Though you slay me, yet I will praise you
Though you take from me, I will bless your name
Though you ruin me, still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who is all I need.
I was reminded this morning at church as I partook of the
Lord’s Supper that Christ’s body was broken
for me. His blood was spilled for
me.
Lifted high upon that day
Behold the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know that every tear was worth it all
Telling God that I fully surrender all to him, when my heart tells me a different thing, feels like I am pretending. I know everything is in God's hands, everything happens with His permission, but today, right now, I just can't let go of those I hold most dear in my heart.
Though tonight I'm crying out
"Let this cup pass from me now"
You're still more than I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me
I know that whatever he puts in my path, every pain and heartache, every hurt and affliction, has purpose. As John Piper puts it,
"Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that."
One thing I will always surrender to the Lord is my praise. I will bless the Lord at all times, his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Even in the midst of difficulties, I know God is with me. Even if, in the future, God does slay me, take from me, ask things of me that I don't think I can handle, I know that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. I have experienced it firsthand. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all (Psalm 34:1,18,19).
Even in the times when I find myself too weak to surrender all that I hold dear in life, I know he won't keep me here. In the meantime, I will surrender my praise.
P.S. You won't regret checking out this song:
