It was here I began to share a piece of my story. My story today, as it is now. The beginning of the end that I so desperately have longed for and prayed for throughout the last decade or so. The "ending" that's not really the end at all, but only the first step in a lifetime of loving and serving Jesus with a Godly man by my side. It sounds like a fairy tale now, but it hasn't always felt like one (and is yet to have its 'happy ending'!).
I have in my possession fourteen journals that capture the essence of my life and heart, starting in 2006 when I graduated from high school and began my adult life. It is fascinating to read back and recall significant moments, to read about what was on my heart at age 18, to see how God has molded and shaped me throughout the years, how he has guided and led me to where I am now and who I am today. One thing is certain: God is faithful yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
It is clear as I skim through my entries that I consistently had three things on my mind: a heart to serve and love Jesus, the call to be a "missionary," and the longing to marry a Godly man. All three have been interwoven desires as far back as I can remember. These desires are evidenced by the abundant prayers etched on the pages of my journals, some of which still bear stains from tears shed as I laid my heart before God time and time again.
My faith really had the opportunity to take flight as I entered my college years. I experienced real discipleship for the first time, "mission" trips--both international and domestic--that fueled the burning fire in my heart to live and serve abroad, fellowship and Christian community abounding. However, my childhood dream of getting married by the 'perfect' age of 21 slid by like a train slowly pulling out of the station, picking up speed and, soon, disappearing into the horizon.
So, as I found myself a college senior with no real marriage prospect in sight, I had to make a decision. Do I wait around to live my purpose until God gives me what I want, or do I set out to fuel the embers of passion in my heart to chase after God's purpose, possibly alone? I had heard the saying plenty of times, "Run fast as you can towards God and then look beside you and see who is running as fast as you are." That sounds great, but the problem with running as fast as you can is that, eventually, you get tired and weary and, well, lonely. There comes a point when you want to slow down and let someone, anyone, catch up. I did that a few times over the years, convincing myself in one way or another that it was okay at the time.
I close my hand around something and refuse to let go because I'm afraid I won't be able to find a better alternative, I'm tired of waiting and, if I do, I can no longer attempt to manipulate the situation. I hang on for so long with such a tight grip that when I decide that I have to let go, it physically hurts. My fingers cramp up and I literally have to pry them open. It hurts to let go of something you truly desire, but doing so really proves my belief that God is good all the time.
November 18, 2010
Praise God for his strength in those moments, to make the hard decisions and, sometimes, being okay with having the hard decisions made for me. In January of 2014, I once again found myself in that place.
Abba, thank you for loving me enough to go to extreme, painful measures to teach me about contentment in Christ. To teach me that you, really, are enough. Don't let me be happy with anyone outside of you. Oh, how it's a hard lesson to learn and re-learn, but I am so grateful you're patient to teach and re-teach me.
Circumstances in my life pushed me back to the feet of my Abba, my daddy, my good good father. I knew that I could not plan for the future, I could not count on my own efforts to make the dream of a Godly marriage come to fruition. This time I prayed specifically, with hope, expectation, and utter dependence on my heavenly Father:
May I have a husband totally devoted to you and your purposes?
A man that understands the implications of marriage and seeks
to use it to draw people to you?
I had no idea that it would mean waiting another two years before I saw that seedling of a prayer poke up through the barren ground and produce the beginnings of life. I had no idea that it would mean waiting another four and a half years beyond that for my prayer to bear real fruit. But, Oh, how the heart of my Abba has delighted to answer my prayer. He delights to be in the mist of answering my prayer even now.
And I am still in the waiting, more than four years later. But how sweet is the knowledge that I have a Father who is using his divine wisdom to work all things for the good of his precious daughter? I have such confidence that, a decade or two from now, we will look back upon that small seedling and see a full and fruitful garden that glorifies God by its mere presence and beauty.
And I am still in the waiting, more than four years later. But how sweet is the knowledge that I have a Father who is using his divine wisdom to work all things for the good of his precious daughter? I have such confidence that, a decade or two from now, we will look back upon that small seedling and see a full and fruitful garden that glorifies God by its mere presence and beauty.
