Please take a few moments to read through the following. I pray you'll be as amazed by God as I am.
April 7, 2011, I wrote the following:
"It's nights like tonight when I question you. Not you or who you are, but who you've made me to be. Obviously you created me uniquely, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have a fire for your Lord and really a faith that is as much a part of me as my hair color, or the two eyes on my face. I praise you and thank you for that. But sometimes I wonder if I have simply "convinced" myself that I have such a deeply rooted faith, or is it actually true?? Why, oh why, Lord, is it so difficult for me to be a light? To be OPEN and honest about my faith, not just quiet in a corner, sitting on a basket, covering the greatest light there is?...Do I love you like I say I do?? Why don't my actions match my heart? Your words says you can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).
Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything, I surrender
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything, I surrender
Again, I'm not questioning your "God-ness"...I just can't see it all. Someday I'll understand."
April 8, 2011, I wrote this:
"Father, I can't sleep tonight (1:30am) because I am thinking about the development of tonight's seemingly innocent conversation with Jenny. We were talking about jobs and the future...As we were talking I was becoming even more uneasy and uncertain about making the decision about Bilingual Therapies. I truly have been on a back-and-forth ride in making this decision and recently I have just in general been wondering if I am on the right path. Am I here in grad school because of my stubborn self-will, or because God has ordained it? Am I on this path because of the comfort and security it will provide, or becaue I really feel this is the path God has placed me on? Am I doing the right thing, going in the right direction?? I was really wrestling through that in my convo with Jenny tonight and telling her about my desire to go do missions abroad, asking about what it would look like to take a year off, talking through the frustration, the CONSTANT frustration of debt and the strong desire to pay it off and be done with it. So many thoughts, discussion, questions...all lead to a "revelation" if I can call it that. And since I don't believe in simple coincidences, I am choosing to believe you have cast a vision upon my heart. A vision that will be impossible to achieve in reality without you guiding me every step of the way. I have been saying ALL along that the last thing I want is to become comfortable and complacent. I need to pay off my debt, I have a heart for ministry and missions, I absolutely love speaking Spanish and I desire that as part of my future, I could see myself abroad in a foreign country, meeting needs that are currently unmet and sharing Christ and his love all the while. That is the long-term heart you have given me thus far, the things I feel...what I have had the hardest time understanding so far is the HOW and WHEN. How, if I have to pay back my debt, do I go? When do I go, if I must stay here for a couple of years at least? How could you use my professional interests in the ministry world? How do I carve out my own path? I believe I have the beginning of an answer:
April 8, 2011, I wrote this:
"Father, I can't sleep tonight (1:30am) because I am thinking about the development of tonight's seemingly innocent conversation with Jenny. We were talking about jobs and the future...As we were talking I was becoming even more uneasy and uncertain about making the decision about Bilingual Therapies. I truly have been on a back-and-forth ride in making this decision and recently I have just in general been wondering if I am on the right path. Am I here in grad school because of my stubborn self-will, or because God has ordained it? Am I on this path because of the comfort and security it will provide, or becaue I really feel this is the path God has placed me on? Am I doing the right thing, going in the right direction?? I was really wrestling through that in my convo with Jenny tonight and telling her about my desire to go do missions abroad, asking about what it would look like to take a year off, talking through the frustration, the CONSTANT frustration of debt and the strong desire to pay it off and be done with it. So many thoughts, discussion, questions...all lead to a "revelation" if I can call it that. And since I don't believe in simple coincidences, I am choosing to believe you have cast a vision upon my heart. A vision that will be impossible to achieve in reality without you guiding me every step of the way. I have been saying ALL along that the last thing I want is to become comfortable and complacent. I need to pay off my debt, I have a heart for ministry and missions, I absolutely love speaking Spanish and I desire that as part of my future, I could see myself abroad in a foreign country, meeting needs that are currently unmet and sharing Christ and his love all the while. That is the long-term heart you have given me thus far, the things I feel...what I have had the hardest time understanding so far is the HOW and WHEN. How, if I have to pay back my debt, do I go? When do I go, if I must stay here for a couple of years at least? How could you use my professional interests in the ministry world? How do I carve out my own path? I believe I have the beginning of an answer:
*The Rio Grande Valley, TX*
Population: 95% + Hispanic, Spanish-speaking
Needed: CHRIST!
Needed: CHRIST!
I could be a "foreign" missionary in my own country!! Is it safe? Not necessarily. Would I be uncomfortable? Probably. Criticized for my less-than-perfect Spanish speaking abilities? More than likely. Would I need to be utterly dependant on God? Absolutely. Would it help me towards the goal of paying back my debt quickly? Apparently, yes, they pay well.
Father, I pray for your continued guidance, I praise you for placing this on my heart. I ask you that your will may be shown to me, that if I am so completely wrong, that you would close these doors and guide me elsewhere. I'm YOURS!"
April 10, 2011, I wrote the following:
"Lord you are so good! You are faithful to your promises, you know when I sit and when I rise (Ps 139), you know the desires of my heart, and your ultimate plan is to prosper me in all that I do for you so that I might glorify you more. Last week, I cried out to you in frustration because I've just not been sure WHAT you want me to do with my life. Friday night you cast a vision upon my heart, one so powerful that I couldn't sleep! Why the Valley, I'm not sure...but I prayed even that night for continued guidance. This morning you gave me even more confirmation! Our sermon this morning was titled "Vision in the Valley," which honestly escaped my attention for the first 15 minutes or so. Pastor Al talked about having a sense of vision, or "sanctified dreams," and how, without it, we are headed towards destruction.
THEN, he began talking about "The valley" in a figurative sense of course, but he actually made the statement that:
Father, I pray for your continued guidance, I praise you for placing this on my heart. I ask you that your will may be shown to me, that if I am so completely wrong, that you would close these doors and guide me elsewhere. I'm YOURS!"
April 10, 2011, I wrote the following:
"Lord you are so good! You are faithful to your promises, you know when I sit and when I rise (Ps 139), you know the desires of my heart, and your ultimate plan is to prosper me in all that I do for you so that I might glorify you more. Last week, I cried out to you in frustration because I've just not been sure WHAT you want me to do with my life. Friday night you cast a vision upon my heart, one so powerful that I couldn't sleep! Why the Valley, I'm not sure...but I prayed even that night for continued guidance. This morning you gave me even more confirmation! Our sermon this morning was titled "Vision in the Valley," which honestly escaped my attention for the first 15 minutes or so. Pastor Al talked about having a sense of vision, or "sanctified dreams," and how, without it, we are headed towards destruction.
THEN, he began talking about "The valley" in a figurative sense of course, but he actually made the statement that:
"That's where God's calling us to minister--Down in the valley."
He also said something along the lines of, "It's down in the valley where lives are in desperate need of Christ." LORD! I am in awe! My jaw dropped when I heard that. If he wasn't speaking directly to me, I'm not sure I heard it correctly. Praise you God. I will not turn away or deny your purpose within me, wherever it may lead me...Train me, raise me up. I am your instrument for your to use as you please. "
Such a long post, but I felt the need to share. God is REAL and active in our everyday lives. This weekend he is RISEN. I hope you're encouraged as I am!
Such a long post, but I felt the need to share. God is REAL and active in our everyday lives. This weekend he is RISEN. I hope you're encouraged as I am!
No comments:
Post a Comment