As I sit here tonight, I ponder the emotions I've felt over the past couple of weeks. Surprisingly, I have felt peaceful, calm (minus the stress of packing), and relatively without sadness.
I say that tonight, as tears run silently down my cheeks, as my heart aches for the people I will be missing. For the hugs I will miss, the laughter, the moments.
And then I remember what I wrote in my journal this morning. I think to myself that what I wrote this morning wasn't for me this morning. It was for me tonight. In the sadness, in the wondering, in the questions. Let me share.
"Reading through the beginning of Exodus this morning, I am reminded of so much. It's so easy to criticize Moses, to be frustrated with his worries, his objections, and protests. "But Moses..." is underlined in my Bible frequently in those beginning chapters. "I never want to be like that!" I think to myself.
And then I look at the objections Moses raised:
"Who am I that I should go...?"
"But behold, they will not believe me or listen to my voice"
"Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent...but I am slow of speech and tongue"
"Oh, my Lord, please send someone else"
"Why did you ever send me?"
"Behold the people...have not listened to me. How then shall Pharaoh listen to me, for I am of uncircumcised lips?"
"Behold I am of uncircumcised lips. How will [he] listen to me?" (repeated just in case God didn't get it the first time?)
Haven't I felt that way? "God, who am I? Why me? Why would they listen to my testimony or message? I am not bold enough, I get so fearful. I am a foreigner, of another culture, why should they listen to me?"
And it seems like after going out and trying to do what God asked of Moses, things got worse! So he begins to question his call. "Why did you even send me?? See, what you said to do? It didn't work! I told you I wasn't right for the job!"
But God is so good and so patient. He tells Moses over and over who He is and what He will do, reminding him:
"I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob..."
...I will send you...
...I will be with you...
"I am who I am..."
...I will bring you up out of the affliction...
...I will stretch out my hand...
...I will give this people favor...
...I will be with your mouth...
"I am the Lord..."
...I will bring you out...
...I will deliver you...
...I will take you to be my people...
...I will be your God...
"I am the Lord..."
...I will bring you to the land...
...I will give it to you...
And ON and ON...
He faithfully reminds Moses in the midst of his doubting and questioning that, just because he's choosing to use Moses, it isn't Moses doing the work. It's God who is speaking, God who is delivering, God who is working on hearts.
May the Lord's anger never be kindled against me for believing that pitiful me could ever mess up God's plan. HE is my warrior, HE fights my battles, HE gets the glory. It was God's plan to use me and even as pitiful as I may be, HE chose me!
And so I am reminded tonight. God is so faithful. So gracious. He leads me. He guides me. He has called me. And I remember that I am not making a sacrifice but that, in my obedience, God is glorified. And that's all that matters.
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