Reflections from an airplane

"Are you headed home?"

 

 

I think this question sums up the essence of my life. When the lady seated next to me on the airplane asked me this question, my first response was "well, I'm kind of between homes right now." And then I began to think about it more and more, realizing the truth in my answer. I have had many homes over the years: Michigan, Argentina, Texas, and my soon-to-be new home! It is making me remember that I truly am a sojourner and earth is not my home.

 

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me when I have a hard time picturing myself settling down with the same job, same house, same church for a lifetime. But then I am reminded that God has fashioned me like this for a purpose. He delights in my unique desires and guides my steps accordingly.

 

For we know that if the tent that

is our earthly home is destroyed,

we have a building from God,

a house not made with hands,

eternal in the heavens.

For in this tent we groan, longing

to be put in our heavenly dwelling.

                       2 Corinthians 5:1,2

 

 

And, although it is difficult to say goodbye to one home for now, I am comforted by God's promise to provide a "hundredfold, now in this time...and in the age to come, eternal life" (Mark 10:30). I want to be able to respond to Jesus like Peter, who said "see, we have left everything and followed you" (Mark 10:28), rather than the man who had to walk away from Jesus, filled with sorrow, for he had too much stuff that he was unwilling to let go of. Following Jesus is so much sweeter than holding onto things and relationships that will never ultimately satisfy.

 

Paul himself even counts all of his accomplishments "as loss for the sake of Christ" (Phil 3:7).  And he accomplished a lot!  He continues:

 

Indeed I count everything as loss because

of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ

Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered

the loss of all things and count them as

 rubbish in order that I may gain Christ

and be found in him.

                                    Philippians 3:8

 

So, for now, I am laying aside my career, salary, and Spanish to learn a new job, in a new culture, with a new language. And when I start to get scared, I try to remind myself that "...our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ..." (Phil 3:20), and that my goal is not to make for myself a comfortable, easy life here on earth. My goal is to bring glory to God, whatever the means!

 

 

I am headed home. 





[Annual] Review

Because I don't write often enough, here comes another grand review of my life. (Sorry, I will work on changing that, especially in this next season).

God has done amazing things in this past year. Added to that, this has been, without a doubt, the most difficult year for me in Texas so far. For many reasons. However, it is through the difficult times that I have been the most refined. I have learned so much about myself, my sin, and the amazing grace of God.

I think sometime in the past I realized that I was not truly broken over my sin. I really had this view of myself that "I'm really not that bad." I asked God to show me what needed to change and how I needed to become more like Him. I am here to tell you that God is completely faithful and answered me with a vengeance. I may not murder, but I can get oh-so angry. I may not engage in sexual immorality, but I lust. I may typically be a pretty nice person, but I am more selfish than anyone realizes. But thanks be to God for forgiving me and being my advocate! I do not have to live under condemnation and I have hope that He is ever working in and through me.

In other life news, I have now almost completed 1 year of working my first big girl job. I am officially a licensed, certified Speech-Language Pathologist. After 7 years, it's quite an accomplishment. Although, I must say that the end was quite anticlimactic. Being "done" is not really being "done" with anything in this profession. The mountain of things I have yet to learn feels as though it may never be conquered.

My job has been a huge blessing throughout this year and I have loved the very relational side of what I do, going into people's homes and really almost becoming part of their families. It has also been extremely challenging. Some days I feel as though I am still in grad school, doing paperwork, planning, and being consumed with work. I have felt super inadequate more times than I can count in the past year for the job that I am doing. I honestly don't think that I would have survived without the help of my amazing supervisor, Sally.

We have also been living at the Fountains for a year now and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else here. It is actually difficult to believe that it has already been a year. Besides literally having the "nations" in my back yard, my favorite part of living here has been being neighbors to Kevin and Lauren. I love living in such close community and it makes me so sad to think about the next season of my life without them just a parking lot away.

I have said this to anyone who will listen, but it is worth repeating. I have been absolutely blessed by my community and church family here in Fort Worth. Our Wedgwood College & Young Adults group has been an amazing part of my life here in these past (almost) 3 years. Anyone who has come to visit me can see immediately what I mean by this. It is not something that can be put into words easily, but something to be experienced.

And now, with only 3 weeks left in Texas, this chapter of my life is coming to a close. It's exciting and heart-breaking, all at the same time.

Stay tuned for an update about the big changes coming my way!!

Glory to God.

God Has His Own Plan...

I am writing this having recently turned 24 years old. I have to say, I never did anticipate my life looking like this at age 24. It's beautiful and messy all at the same time and it truly is a blessing that God is in control and not me, because I would've done things so differently and probably not in my best interest at all! Here I am, having finished my Master's degree at TCU, staying in Fort Worth, Texas! Who would've thought? (Definitely not me!) 

I am still single. Yes, 24 is still young and I am realizing that more and more, but as a girl I always imagined being married by now. At this point, I honestly can't imagine it, although there's no doubt that I crave a relationship more times than not. I am a woman who desires a Godly husband (someday), one with whom I can grow and laugh. I desire a partner in ministry who I can encourage and be encouraged by, bounce ideas off of, and learn from. I never want to compromise on that--a man who will step up and take a chance in pursuing me. 

But God has His own plan, which is far greater than mine. Of that I am sure. I have been broken-hearted in these 24 years. One instance was by a good Christian man who was completely honest with me in saying "something was missing." I never worked up the courage or the want-to to ask about the "something." But I trust that God was just protecting my heart in the long run. 

All that to say, I am still plagued with the girlish insecurities of many girls and women. It takes a real effort to squash the thought of "I'm not pretty enough for him" and, I admit, sometimes I fail. My dad told me that I am too intimidating and, in fact, once questioned my interest in men. Even from a father who is no father at all, that hurt. And obviously it stays with me. It's remembering that real beauty comes from  the inner self that serves to comfort me.  And also knowing that the man I seek will also believe that.

My heart has also changed dramatically in the past couple of years in ways I never would've imagined. My desire to be involved in ministry overseas has only grown, but prior to moving to TX I could only see myself in Spanish-speaking countries and, in fact, it's all I really wanted. Nothing else called to me or tugged on my heart strings. Until Durga. And Yedhu. And Akash and Ashmita. Until I became involved in the world only a few minutes from home. The world that IS my home now. 

You see, a year ago we started a refugee ministry with the college group that has served to minister more to my heart than any other. We came to love on children and families from Nepal, Burma, Sudan, and Iraq who participate in religions that I frankly never cared to learn about. Now I am considering the Journeymen program possibly in Nepal or India. 

God has his own plan, he owns my heart and is free to come in and change and tweak it as He chooses. 

I am also soon to start work in the "real world" as a Speech-Language Pathologist. I wasn't sure this time would actually come! 6 years of college are done and over--no going back. I am no longer a college student, but a professional with a salary. My heart is fighting it and, in this moment, I kind of hate it. Not the job or the children I will be serving, but the circumstances. I don't know, I haven't quite sorted out all of my emotions. Transitioning out of school, becoming a new professional, not knowing enough, not having enough time, being insecure in my skills...it all plays a part. At this point I'm not sure if speech therapy will play a permanent role in my life or not. 

God has his own plan and He is free to change my path at any moment. He knows my passions and desires better than I know them myself and He will plan accordingly. 

So, as I celebrate 24 years of life and growth and trial and blessing, I more importantly celebrate the God who is in control of it all. He has his own plan and for that I am forever grateful.

Photos of my heart

These faces are precious to me. Each. individual. one.

THIS is the ministry that God has blessed me (us) with over the past few months. Smiling, joyful, energetic, and crazy kids. What a blessing! And while these kids are like any other in that they enjoy running around, being silly, playing with friends, etc., they are different in that they already have a history and a background that we can't even imagine. These kids come from Burma, Nepal, Iraq...they speak other languages, they worship other Gods, they celebrate different cultures...yet have somehow made their ways into our back yard. Some remember what it was like to go hungry in their war-torn country, some have family members that didn't make it out, but they all have hope that their lives will be different here.

I have that same hope.

My prayer for these kids is that God will transform their lives. That He would draw them to himself, show them that He is THE way, THE truth, THE life. I pray that I can be a stepping stone along that path. That I can some how, some way impart to them a tiny inkling of the love that I know God has for them.

But along the journey of playing with these kids, running around and being silly with them, having reflective conversations with them, I will probably leave our relationship more changed than they will. They have opened my eyes to true joy. There is nothing like hearing my name yelled by one of these kiddos, receiving the hugs they give, and being sought after by them as one highly esteemed. They have opened my eyes to the lost. As beautiful, unique, and fun as each one of these children are, they represent millions of people from all over the country and world that don't know Christ.

These kids are precious and honored in God's sight. I pray that they would know that. I pray that our ministry to them would be solely to bring glory to God, and not to ourselves. This is my heart's cry:

Isaiah 58:9-10
If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

I pray for this little girl.

Summer Reflections...a little late

Hi All,

I've been encouraged to spend the last part of my night studying writing a long-overdue blog post. I last wrote this summer while I was doing my externship at a hospital. It was all BRAND new when I started and it's surprising how comfortable I was when I left. It's also bizarre to work a full-time real-person job for about 3 months and then up and leave. I had some experiences I wouldn't care to repeat (depressed patients, crying patients, angry ones, end-of-life experiences, etc.), but I also had some pretty neat experiences too.

One I don't think I will ever forget was with a patient who, after experiencing a massive stroke, was left pretty much without language. She could tell me her first name and do some automatic tasks like counting, but even had difficulties with yes/no questions right at first. However, if you didn't know, the brain is an AMAZING thing! God really knew what he was doing when he created it. It can reorganize and heal itself in pretty dramatic ways. I worked with Elva for about a month. We worked to get her eating regular foods (her swallowing was effected after the stroke too), and also worked on language as much as possible. During the time we saw her we saw initially a lot of progress, but we also saw her go into about a week of depression, and come back out of it after some medical intervention. I was blessed to get to walk through the process with her, hold her hand, encourage her to try and talk, and try my best to learn about her family and interests through her limited communicative abilities. (On a side note, being able to walk with people in their most vulnerable state truly makes you humbly appreciate the skills you never really even realized you had--talking, eating, communicating, etc.) She was one of the only patients I got to consistently see by myself. At first I was scared to death of working with her. ME?! Force this poor woman to talk, when all she seemed to want to do was sleep?? But the more I got to know her, the more I felt I was giving back to her each time she answered a hard question or got something out about herself.

ONE day, the day after I had given her a little motivational speech about "the more you try, the easier it will get," I walked into her room and something had changed. She was TALKING! I mean, before, I had to pry and pry to even get one-word answers. She was making mistakes, but she was answering me in SENTENCES! It was incredible. I felt like a door had been unlocked and I was finally able to connect the dots about her life and clarify running questions about the things that went unanswered. But the most precious of it all was when she grabbed my hand and said:

"Sometimes, the light reflects off of you."

It brings tears to my eyes to think on it. Maybe she was simply referring to light coming in from the window (although I doubt it because her shades were always down), but it reminds me of one of my all-time favorite verses:

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday."

Praise God that he allows me to serve him. May I never forget my purpose!

Summer working

Coming into the hospital setting has been a definite adjustment for me. I am so used to working with kids that I feel like most of the time what I do with them just comes naturally. In the hospital setting working with adults, I feel out of place and uncomfortable. I have to think very hard and even then I am often left feeling uncertain or frustrated with my lack of knowledge/skills. Further, the patients not only have physical needs that we are addressing, but they also have emotional needs that add a whole different dimension to the task. One of my first days we began seeing an elderly woman who was very frail, had a huge medical history, and swallowing problems. She hadn’t been eating much due to lack of appetite and we were in doing a meal check, trying to encourage her to eat and helping her with the food. She began talking a little bit about her life and history and problems she’s had in the past, etc. She made the statement “I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die,” and I was left speechless. Someone so vulnerable laying it all out there, admitting her fear…what was I supposed to say? Thankfully at this point my supervisor was still leading the sessions and she replied in some way (I don’t even fully remember what she said). But I am still left with the question of what to say to someone as they are very likely nearing the end of their life.

Vision in the Valley

I want to open up a few pages of my journal to everyone so that my life may be a testimony to God's faithfulness. I am in constant awe of how He answers prayers and this is no exception. God really does have his hand in our lives, directing and guiding events of everyday life.

Please take a few moments to read through the following. I pray you'll be as amazed by God as I am.


April 7, 2011, I wrote the following:


"It's nights like tonight when I question you. Not you or who you are, but who you've made me to be. Obviously you created me uniquely, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have a fire for your Lord and really a faith that is as much a part of me as my hair color, or the two eyes on my face. I praise you and thank you for that. But sometimes I wonder if I have simply "convinced" myself that I have such a deeply rooted faith, or is it actually true?? Why, oh why, Lord, is it so difficult for me to be a light? To be OPEN and honest about my faith, not just quiet in a corner, sitting on a basket, covering the greatest light there is?...Do I love you like I say I do?? Why don't my actions match my heart? Your words says you can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything, I surrender

Again, I'm not questioning your "God-ness"...I just can't see it all. Someday I'll understand."


April 8, 2011, I wrote this:

"Father, I can't sleep tonight (1:30am) because I am thinking about the development of tonight's seemingly innocent conversation with Jenny. We were talking about jobs and the future...As we were talking I was becoming even more uneasy and uncertain about making the decision about Bilingual Therapies. I truly have been on a back-and-forth ride in making this decision and recently I have just in general been wondering if I am on the right path. Am I here in grad school because of my stubborn self-will, or because God has ordained it? Am I on this path because of the comfort and security it will provide, or becaue I really feel this is the path God has placed me on? Am I doing the right thing, going in the right direction?? I was really wrestling through that in my convo with Jenny tonight and telling her about my desire to go do missions abroad, asking about what it would look like to take a year off, talking through the frustration, the CONSTANT frustration of debt and the strong desire to pay it off and be done with it. So many thoughts, discussion, questions...all lead to a "revelation" if I can call it that. And since I don't believe in simple coincidences, I am choosing to believe you have cast a vision upon my heart. A vision that will be impossible to achieve in reality without you guiding me every step of the way. I have been saying ALL along that the last thing I want is to become comfortable and complacent. I need to pay off my debt, I have a heart for ministry and missions, I absolutely love speaking Spanish and I desire that as part of my future, I could see myself abroad in a foreign country, meeting needs that are currently unmet and sharing Christ and his love all the while. That is the long-term heart you have given me thus far, the things I feel...what I have had the hardest time understanding so far is the HOW and WHEN. How, if I have to pay back my debt, do I go? When do I go, if I must stay here for a couple of years at least? How could you use my professional interests in the ministry world? How do I carve out my own path? I believe I have the beginning of an answer:

*The Rio Grande Valley, TX*

Population: 95% + Hispanic, Spanish-speaking
Needed: CHRIST!

I could be a "foreign" missionary in my own country!! Is it safe? Not necessarily. Would I be uncomfortable? Probably. Criticized for my less-than-perfect Spanish speaking abilities? More than likely. Would I need to be utterly dependant on God? Absolutely. Would it help me towards the goal of paying back my debt quickly? Apparently, yes, they pay well.

Father, I pray for your continued guidance, I praise you for placing this on my heart. I ask you that your will may be shown to me, that if I am so completely wrong, that you would close these doors and guide me elsewhere. I'm YOURS!"


April 10, 2011, I wrote the following:

"Lord you are so good! You are faithful to your promises, you know when I sit and when I rise (Ps 139), you know the desires of my heart, and your ultimate plan is to prosper me in all that I do for you so that I might glorify you more. Last week, I cried out to you in frustration because I've just not been sure WHAT you want me to do with my life. Friday night you cast a vision upon my heart, one so powerful that I couldn't sleep! Why the Valley, I'm not sure...but I prayed even that night for continued guidance. This morning you gave me even more confirmation! Our sermon this morning was titled "Vision in the Valley," which honestly escaped my attention for the first 15 minutes or so. Pastor Al talked about having a sense of vision, or "sanctified dreams," and how, without it, we are headed towards destruction.

THEN, he began talking about "The valley" in a figurative sense of course, but he actually made the statement that:

"That's where God's calling us to minister--Down in the valley."

He also said something along the lines of, "It's down in the valley where lives are in desperate need of Christ." LORD! I am in awe! My jaw dropped when I heard that. If he wasn't speaking directly to me, I'm not sure I heard it correctly. Praise you God. I will not turn away or deny your purpose within me, wherever it may lead me...Train me, raise me up. I am your instrument for your to use as you please. "


Such a long post, but I felt the need to share. God is REAL and active in our everyday lives. This weekend he is RISEN. I hope you're encouraged as I am!